dude your cousin who was wearing the skirt wasn't wearing any underwear
gross she's a slut
yea she doesn't shave either
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
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