the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
So there is a chick dressed up in a vagina costume handing out free condoms next to the dude handing out free Bibles and preaching about sin. I love college.
Fat spanish girl grinding against air conditioner. ive seen everything now
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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