Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
How much cunt could a cunt bag punch if a cunt bag could punch cunt?
Well, for starters you dressed up in all Green and kept singing that song from "A Goofy Movie". Then you made us call you Powerline for the rest of the night...needless to say no, you didn't hook up with her
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
Randomize
