Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
idk if ive ever seen a picture of him on facebook with his pants on
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i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
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I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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