a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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