Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
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