It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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