Why must guys tell girls who are a little bigger that "they like a girl with meat on her bones?" Yeah needless to say he went home alone
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Randomize
