There are 3 speedbumps now up. Think you can manage the urge to piss on them?
Aw shit! That's like putting me a in a room full of Captiain Crunch Donuts and Jasper Hale and not letting me put my mouth on either.
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
Lots of explosions. Minor nudity. Full penetration and lots of tuxedos.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
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