bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
everyone who works at gamestop is basically destined to live with their parents for the rest of their lives... so i said no.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
Randomize
