Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
Randomize
