my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
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I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
We role played last night. I was Brandon Inge and she was some slut from Toledo. Let's just say Triple A might not be so disappointing after all.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
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