Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
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