why is there a picture of someone wearing Tevas with socks taped on the wall?
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
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