I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
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