She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
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