11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
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