I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
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You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
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I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
false alarm, still single
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