Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
