Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
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