my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Randomize
