i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
Randomize
