I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
Randomize
