trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
Randomize
