What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
Randomize
