Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
Beverly Hills, 90210. Cleveland Browns, 0.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
Randomize
