Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Randomize
