just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
Needless to say Beer Gardens severly frowns upon playing flip cups with real glasses.
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
why do cheetos always look like penises
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Randomize
