I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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