I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
