dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
That's why Kanye is a gay fish.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
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