I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Randomize
