I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
Randomize
