Good luck man
I dont need it. Shes easy.
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
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