I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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