Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
