Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
