I need to stop coming to work sober
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
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In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Get your clothes on you are our DD for the night. The usual three way payment
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
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