So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
i no longer feel bad for not doin my schoolwork. im watching a porn in french. this MUST qualify as studying.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
Randomize
