someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Randomize
