I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
