Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
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