my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
Randomize
