Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
I'm getting the same feeling waiting for the web-page to load that has my final grades that I get when I take a pregnancy test. I think I'm gonna leave my computer for 3 minutes.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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