How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
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