that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
Having an 'SDSU Mom' sticker is just like say 'Hi, my daughter has an std"
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
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