Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Randomize
