Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
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If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
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