I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
Cute boy and deffffff wearing a HS shirt. I am getting too old to be inaccurate.
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Randomize
