I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
Randomize
