Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
Do you really want to know anything about the inner machinations of a furry's mind
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
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