So today I found out that our school is known as the herpes school
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
I woke up under a house in Key West
Randomize
