I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
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