I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
