dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
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