Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
Life is so much better after having sex.
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
I'm just concerned as to why his penis is two different colors.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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