Tell her to GTFO!!!!! JAI HO!!!!!
I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
What happened to fro yo and sex?
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
you don't need to worry about using proper grammar if you're asking for the size of his dick.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Randomize
